Not my best

It's the middle of June and I am a complete failure at this.

The only thing that seems to be constant is the sense of guilt and disappointment I feel after everytime I don't work out or eat something unhealthy. I have to develop a stronger sense of willpower and determination if this is really going to work. I have such a huge goal and I am nowhere near it at this point. On the bright side, I have found a cut out from a magazine that showed me some new exercises and healthy recipes. Also, I found out there's a farmer's market in my town tomorrow morning. Stocking up on healthy ingredients should be a source of motivation I'm (desperately) hoping.

It's easier for me to complain about the obstacles in my way rather than the ways that I can make this happen. I really want to be in better shape. There are tons of reasons, that apparently with every mis-step I keep forgetting. Let's take a stroll down memory lane to see what my original reasons are for wanting to lose weight and become a healthier me:

1) better health- I'm currently sitting at around a horrid 180lbs. That's 20 lbs away from 200. It's disgusting really. And my BMI is telling me I'm highly overweight. I want to vomit every time I think about this. Also, I pretend to myself that the scale is wrong...

2) I want to look better and feel sexier again. I think this is extremely important for self confidence and the way I carry myself. I don't want to feel self conscious anymore. I mean I'm sure I always will but I haven't felt completely fabulous in a while.

3) I want to dance. A fat dancer is not pretty. I need to be in shape to do what I love, and I truly miss it. I haven't danced in a class in such a long time. And being self conscious of my weight is really a setback.

4) A successful career- I believe being in better shape and losing the 60 odd pounds I'm hoping to will lead to better career success in the future. I wish to find an exciting job doing something fun and original. I don't want my size to hold me back.

5) I want to share my friends clothes again! I'd love to fit my sister's jeans, a size 5/7 would be awesome. I know size shouldn't matter, but it'd just be a lot easier than having to go buy new stuff everytime I want something different. Plus it'd just be fun!

6) Love. Okay, this sounds completely lame and shallow but I think it's true that if I took better care of myself, loved myself more, love and a relationship would be easier to find. Nobody wants to date someone who's lacking in self confidence, it's just not sexy or fun.

So, I think those are about all the main reasons for my wanting/needing to do this. I know I haven't written in a while either. It's obvious that sticking things through is not my strong point. With each day or week that passes I have to remind myself that this is important to me. I've already pictured myself failing and ending my summer with no results. I hate when I do that. For now, a short term goal is 20-25 pounds gone by the end of summer. That would mean I would be hoping for a weight of 160-155lbs. Still not my major goal, but closer nonetheless.
I need to get off my ass and make some change! I'll be happier for it in the end!

Recovery Mode

So, I was sick for a few days which meant I didn't have much energy to work out. It's harder than it seems. Or I'm just really weak when it comes to trying to really do this.

I find the weather has a lot to do with whether I do any cardio or not. I don't have a gym membership in town here, I did in the city but I had to move back home. :( If it's rainy or too cold outside I do NOT wanna be out there! I think I should get creative and just run up and down my stairs a few times. After writing about this for a couple minutes I'm suddently getting motivated. I guess the blog is working... Also, I just saw the new trailer for Transformers Two... Megan Fox should be my inspiration...

See ya!