Not my best

It's the middle of June and I am a complete failure at this.

The only thing that seems to be constant is the sense of guilt and disappointment I feel after everytime I don't work out or eat something unhealthy. I have to develop a stronger sense of willpower and determination if this is really going to work. I have such a huge goal and I am nowhere near it at this point. On the bright side, I have found a cut out from a magazine that showed me some new exercises and healthy recipes. Also, I found out there's a farmer's market in my town tomorrow morning. Stocking up on healthy ingredients should be a source of motivation I'm (desperately) hoping.

It's easier for me to complain about the obstacles in my way rather than the ways that I can make this happen. I really want to be in better shape. There are tons of reasons, that apparently with every mis-step I keep forgetting. Let's take a stroll down memory lane to see what my original reasons are for wanting to lose weight and become a healthier me:

1) better health- I'm currently sitting at around a horrid 180lbs. That's 20 lbs away from 200. It's disgusting really. And my BMI is telling me I'm highly overweight. I want to vomit every time I think about this. Also, I pretend to myself that the scale is wrong...

2) I want to look better and feel sexier again. I think this is extremely important for self confidence and the way I carry myself. I don't want to feel self conscious anymore. I mean I'm sure I always will but I haven't felt completely fabulous in a while.

3) I want to dance. A fat dancer is not pretty. I need to be in shape to do what I love, and I truly miss it. I haven't danced in a class in such a long time. And being self conscious of my weight is really a setback.

4) A successful career- I believe being in better shape and losing the 60 odd pounds I'm hoping to will lead to better career success in the future. I wish to find an exciting job doing something fun and original. I don't want my size to hold me back.

5) I want to share my friends clothes again! I'd love to fit my sister's jeans, a size 5/7 would be awesome. I know size shouldn't matter, but it'd just be a lot easier than having to go buy new stuff everytime I want something different. Plus it'd just be fun!

6) Love. Okay, this sounds completely lame and shallow but I think it's true that if I took better care of myself, loved myself more, love and a relationship would be easier to find. Nobody wants to date someone who's lacking in self confidence, it's just not sexy or fun.

So, I think those are about all the main reasons for my wanting/needing to do this. I know I haven't written in a while either. It's obvious that sticking things through is not my strong point. With each day or week that passes I have to remind myself that this is important to me. I've already pictured myself failing and ending my summer with no results. I hate when I do that. For now, a short term goal is 20-25 pounds gone by the end of summer. That would mean I would be hoping for a weight of 160-155lbs. Still not my major goal, but closer nonetheless.
I need to get off my ass and make some change! I'll be happier for it in the end!

Recovery Mode

So, I was sick for a few days which meant I didn't have much energy to work out. It's harder than it seems. Or I'm just really weak when it comes to trying to really do this.

I find the weather has a lot to do with whether I do any cardio or not. I don't have a gym membership in town here, I did in the city but I had to move back home. :( If it's rainy or too cold outside I do NOT wanna be out there! I think I should get creative and just run up and down my stairs a few times. After writing about this for a couple minutes I'm suddently getting motivated. I guess the blog is working... Also, I just saw the new trailer for Transformers Two... Megan Fox should be my inspiration...

See ya!

Some helping hands!

So, as I've been having trouble getting motivated, I asked Mel for help.
She created a work out regimen that is different from what I usually do. Instead of just crunches and leg lifts and walking, we added jogging, squats, planks, penguins, and other awesome toning exercises that should help me out this summer! Also I've decided to stop eating after seven pm, cut out some alcohol, cut out some breads, eat less meat and more veggies and fruit. I hope I can manage to stay constant with everything. Dieting sucks, and it seems like when I'm bored all I wanna do is eat! I have to remember what my main reasons are, and that I need to get healthy again.

In the mean time I'm watching Clueless for diet inspiration! Alicia Silverstone in mini skirts is sure to do the trick! Also, I just ordered a new bikini from Victoria Secret!

The race is on! Wish me (more) luck!

Renee xo

Another Sunday

Sundays always make me feel like I have another chance for a new start. Sundays mean the end of one week and the start of a brand new one. That's why tonight I went to Shoppers (my very favorite drug store!) to search around for healthy snacks and fitness mags to increase my get fit motivation. I hope being slightly frivolous will actually help me...we will see.

Also, another inspiration is watching Sex and the City episodes. Every leading lady on the show is in super good shape, and I admire them so much. The fashion, the witty lines, the style, and the city are all great inspiration to me to finally get in shape. Another real-life inspiration is my friend Mel. We went walking today on one of the first days that felt like summer, and her legs in shorts look amazing! I WISH I was that toned and sleek. Damn her for inheriting good genes. I wish I had the same luck. Of course I know, If I really want it, I have to work for it! And I need to truly try harder! I don't want this to be another wasted summer!

I think losing weight would be easier if I scheduled my days by routine. That's why it'd be great if I got the bank teller job at Credit Union for the summer. That way I'd be at work during the day and my evenings and weekends would be free to work out and keep my diet on track. I know it's just an excuse, since if I really want this it shouldn't matter what my schedule is, but I still think it'd be easier.

Another reason to work my ass off and get in shape is dating. I haven't been on a real date in a long time, and I kind of really miss having a boyfriend. I know it's kind of difficult since I've been going back and forth between the city and Portage every summer, but still... the summers make me crave that type of connection that I haven't had in a long time. I think If I was smaller (and therefore cuter!) I would meet someone equally as cute and awesome! I thought I did meet someone cute and awesome but he turned into an asshole. I really hate thinking that all guys are jerks...but the ones I end up with usually are, and that just makes me think that its my fault. It's a little depressing to think about. Either way, I gotta go... Let's hope this week turns out better! I need willpower!

xoxo Renee

Major Fail

Well, today was not a good day to say the least. I woke up, called in sick to work because I feel like supreme crap, can barely move my head and I'm all stuffed up. And then, I got the biggest craving for pizza, so I went out and got one, and ate the whole thing myself. Apparently I forgot about my reasons to eat healthy and exercise. Hopefully today was my only slip day. Definitely tomorrow I will go for a walk or a run, and work out hard. I need to get serious about this. I can't blame being sick, but it is true that being sick keeps me unmotivated to move an inch.

I was watching So You Think You Can Dance earlier tonight, and wow... I don't think I'll ever get there. I guess I'm just one of those people that will be an admiring observer...at least that's how it feels now.

On a different note... I think I make a song list of work out songs- a new inspiration! And the first song is...
1) Lose Yourself- Eminem
2) Sugar- Flo Rida ft. Wynter
3) Don't trust me- 3 Oh! 3
4) Fashion- Lady Gaga
5) Maneater- Nelly Furtado

Those are sure to get me pumped up and into gear!

A True Attempt

This is my first ever blog, aside from old myspace posts, and facebook notes. I'm happy to have an outlet that will allow me to write on a consistent basis. I think it's important for me, as my creative side has been lacking lately.

I'm hoping this blog will serve as not only a creative outlet, but a motivational tool for getting in shape. It's about time! So many times I've tried and failed, started and stopped, all but got to where I want to be. I don't like being one of those people who start things and don't follow through, so maybe writing everyday and tracking my progress will become beneficial.

So, my main reasons for losing weight and getting in shape are:

• Be healthy- my blood pressure has been too high lately, and I've been advised to drop a few pounds. Nothing is worse than when a doctor tells you you're too fat
• Look better- of course we all want to look our best. I remember the days when I weighed a lot less and fit smaller clothes. I miss those days too much!
• Improve confidence- I feel like I have pretty decent self-confidence, though being in better shape would make me feel great all the time
• Dance- No true dancer is fat, it just does not look good. How can I join a class and feel like I fit in if I don't try harder?
  
• Score a hot date- Okay, as bad as this sounds, it's true. I think If I got in shape, improved confidence, it would alter what kind of guys I attract. Who knows, maybe I'll end up in a real relationship...

I guess that's it for now. It's a Monday, the perfect day to start something new. Today I had a salad for supper, and worked out at home. I'll post more details later.

Gotta get my sexy back!